Hello all,
Since I was a child I always felt as if I had an overactive imagination. I often found myself lost in thought of a hypothetical future of what my life could look like. My consistent thoughts would also get the best of me when I found myself in stressful or scary situations (ex: scary movies and when I found myself in trouble). I would often ponder the worst possible outcomes because I learned at an early age via television it is best to prepare yourself for the worst (what my imagination would do), but hope for the best. Unfortunately, that way of thinking at such a young age would paralyze me in situations growing up, and made it difficult for me to be social with my peers. However, my mother told me that this was a blessing, and that it was a skill that made me more thoughtful than most. Even though my twin brother Kenny and I looked very similar growing up, our way of thinking and personalities were far from identical.
I found growing up as a twin to be a blessing and a curse in various situations. But I often thought of it as a curse growing up because it was the root of a lot of insecurities I held going through middle school and high school. People who saw we were twins often asked the same few questions when they got to know us a little better.
"Are you identical?" We both would answer with authority that we were not (even though we looked it growing up).
"Who is smarter?" There wasn’t a noticeable difference until middle school.
"Who was the faster runner?" We both did track because my oldest sibling was good at it, but it was my brother.
"Who is the faster swimmer?" Swimming was our main sport, but the answer was always Kenny.
Kenny was also taller than me by at least an inch and a half until the end of primary school. But when people asked who was older, I put on my mask for the first time and answered, smiling, that I was the oldest. This mask was one that allowed me to pretend that I was happy to be older after acknowledging all I felt I was lacking when compared to my younger twin brother.
When my brother and I were still in elementary school, my mom used to always say the same thing right as we were about to leave for a full day of school. She would say in a comforting yet stern tone of voice to “Be nice to all the other kids.” She would remind us of those words every time she saw us off to school, and they were words I did my best to live by. However, my anxiety at an early age that stemmed from my overactive imagination rarely allowed me to fully commit. Like the smile-mask I put on to answer that I was happy to be the older twin, I found myself doing something similar to make up for my lack of social skills. I would always show friends, family, and even strangers a smile when our eyes met. I told myself at the time if I am always smiling then others would most likely build up the courage I never had and start the conversation that would possibly lead to a newfound friendship. Believe it or not, it actually worked: My childhood best friend Mark and I have been friends since the 3rd grade all because of the forced smile I showed despite my fears and anxieties.
On the other hand, I became very used to smiling, no matter the situation. Even when I was hurting on the inside at times, I pushed through that hurt and put a strong smile on my face, just like my mom said. I did this at the time because I wasn’t able to fully comprehend or deal with the emotions and stresses that had befallen me at the time. Not to mention, I was way too focused on trying to keep at odds with my twin brother who seemed to be just one step ahead of me throughout life. I let myself get used to my anxious thoughts of not being accepted and feelings of sadness for not being good enough, and decided the only emotion I'd let my face wear would be that of a smile.
This is the origin of the mask I wear and still struggle to take off. I'm now learning more about some of these issues as I get older , getting to know myself better, and trailblazing a path towards success, one that is distinctly my own.